16 years of marriage. Honestly, it's hard to believe it's been that long. Some things feel as though they happened decades ago while other things feel as they just took place yesterday. Amazing how life does that when you're married to your very best friend.
I was 20 when Rob and I married, he was 28. It all began on a blind date in October and we got married in July. We had planned to wait a few years before having kids, but it wasn't to be. Our Red Headed Wild Thing joined us after just 18 months of marriage and a week shy of my 22nd birthday.
Marriage is hard. Having children is hard. Both things are incredible life experiences, but they take work. Add special needs to the mix and you've got a recipe that may not turn out right if it isn't followed correctly. Dylan's diagnosis of Down syndrome came at birth. Before we were even discharged from the hospital, someone we knew well told me this sweet baby boy would either make or break our marriage. I was floored. How insensitive! But in retrospect, it was truth and despite the sting that it brought, I am glad those words fell upon my ears.
I was clearly on the younger side of life when I married and became a mother. It shocks many when they find out, but it was right for me. Rob was a bit older and we complimented each other.
We have 16 years of marriage and nearly 15 years of parenthood under our belt. It is no easy feat. And those words - Dylan would make or break our marriage - are true. I don't like it, but the truth is often painful.
Many have complimented how well Rob and I handle the life we have been given - how patient we are, despite the hurdles we face. We appreciate the compliment, but it has nothing to do with us. To be frank, our marriage is likely one that would be broken if it weren't for our effort to remain diligent and steadfast in three particular areas of our life: God, one another and our children - and in that order.
Without God, Rob and I are nothing - individually or jointly. But knowing God is beyond attending church once a week, it's about having a relationship with Him. In order to be whole, Rob and I must read and study the Bible. We must pray and seek God in everything we do - the big stuff and the little stuff. And trust me, we have made mistakes in this area and we will make more - we're human. When we haven't sought God - when we haven't prayed about a decision, regardless of how big or small it may seem - we have felt the pain of leaving God OUT of whatever is going on. But time and experience bring growth and wisdom. Leaving God out of things is simply not an option. We know what's at stake. We've seen the results of both roads. We choose God's full presence in all that we do, even when it makes absolutely no sense and is the exact opposite of what the world would recommend. We do not claim perfection, we simply claim His will, not ours. And it's a work in progress. Like I said, we're HUMAN.
After God, Rob and I are one another's priority...not our children. Back to those words - Dylan will make or break your marriage. Life is DEMANDING - work, children, etc, etc - it never, EVER stops. There will always be laundry, dishes, errands and commitments. Homework will exist with children in school. The need to work for the sake of even the simplest form of survival will always be present. Our children with special needs will ALWAYS have the needs that they were born with. But our marriage relationship? It can be easy to put off date night because of this or that. It can be easy to be to tired from a long day of homework and opt for sleep rather than settling a disagreement with your spouse. It can be easy to stay one more hour at work. But at what cost?
Our marriage is worth MORE that an extra hour of overtime. Our marriage is worth MORE than waking up groggy now and then because of the time it took to settle a disagreement. Date night MUST happen so that when our children have grown and are living independently, the love between us is stronger and deeper than the day we said "I do". When I think back to our wedding day, I knew I loved Rob and he was the one I wanted to be with. However, the love, respect and appreciation I have for him now has grown to depths I can not put into words. Marriage - when it is treated as it should be, gets better with each passing year. Yes, I say that from 1st hand experience!
We recently took a date night that consisted of a night out in San Francisco to see a band that Rob has been listening to for awhile. But this particular date night was on a school night. That's a NO-NO in our parenting book of 5 Wild Things. There were two opening bands. It was AFTER 9 when the band we where there to see came on. We're about and hour from the city, so by the time we climbed into bed, it was nearly 1 AM. My alarm didn't care - it still went off at 5:15 AM. The day after date night was looonnngg. Neither Rob or I were fully recovered for nearly 48 hours. But it was SO worth it. We got out of our day-to-day routine. We did something that WE enjoyed. We ate sushi at a Japanese restaurant, tried to interpret the menu ourselves so we wouldn't look like fools and ate with chopsticks - and looked ridiculous doing it - all the while laughing and loving that we weren't eating chicken and fries or ANOTHER slice of pizza. Moments like this are essential for our marriage to sustain the test of time.
Our children mean the world to us. It physically hurts when they are sad, disappointed, in trouble - the list could go on and on. I know without a doubt our children know that they are loved wholly and completely. But we still put one another before them. If we are going to properly take care of them, we have to be taking care of us and one another. If we don't, we risk miscommunication and heaps of other issues.
Out prayer is that the Wild Things see us as united. We strive daily to show them what true love and respect is. They see us disagree, but they also see us find resolution in the end. Do we argue? Most definitely. Do we "hide" our disagreements from them? No, but we don't fully expose them to the thick of an argument either. It's about finding balance in every area.
Our marriage isn't perfect. It never will be. We have triumphs and tribulations. We've learned to laugh at the most inappropriate times. And most importantly, we PRAY - every. single. day. Skeptical? Try it out and watch and see what happens...it'll blow your mind. I speak from experience on this too...